Some guys will do anything to get laid on prom night.
They begin to plan weeks in advance, at events like this football game.
Congress has demanded that the phenomenon of "prom sex" be studied by America's top minds
Many experts have been sent far into the field to gather data.
The most important find to date is this: a statue of the Aztec god Kezuachitlat, heretofore unknown, but now correctly recognized as god of fornication of juveniles.
Most Congressional representatives have spent their lives following the gods of dead white men, who do not favor fornication, card playing, or dancing at any kind of event.
One woman, however, is making a difference. Meet Senator Rachael Pharacin (R-MO). Illegally elected--as she is only 17 and not a citizen of the United States--she has embraced Aztec sex worship and is currently pushing a bill through both houses to make it the official religion of the United States.
She sites our obsession with phallic architecture as a sign of our readiness to embrace Kezuachitlat.
Young women across the nation are signing up to become official Kezuachitlat Fuck Maidens™. Ironically, Fuck Maidens are forbidden to attend any non-religious functions. These girls will sacrifice their prom to their new god.